How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. Threaten to jump out of a ground floor window.
2. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
3. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
4. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "mmmmmm, that feels soooo good!"
5. In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "YAHTZEE".
6. Walk sideways to the photocopier, crab style.
7. Say to your manager, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
8. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, cause I don't want to repeat it".
9. At the end of a meeting, suggest that for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the National Anthem (extra respect if you actually launch into it yourself).
10. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off & on 10 times.
11. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak with as "Barbara"
12. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
13. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I will never go hungry again."
14. In a colleague's diary, write in 10:00 am; "see how I look in tights".
15. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague, and ask, "do you want to trade?"
16. Come to work in army camouflage and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
17. Disappear into the toilets and emerge with your trousers over your head, then commence a 2 minute sprint around the office whilst holding your hands out to your side and making airplane noises. Return back to the toilets, get dressed again and return quietly to your seat as if nothing had happened.
18. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
19. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
20. Insist that your e mail address is: xena-warrior-princess@companyname.com
21. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
22. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
23. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
24. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
25. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
26. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
27. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
28. Dont use any punctuation
29. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
30. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
31. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
32. Sing along at the opera.
33. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
34. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
35. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
36. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend the potluck party because you're not in the mood.
37. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
38. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!"
39. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
40. UsE RAnDoM cAPiTaliZaTiON iN EvEryTHiNg YOu wrITe
41. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
42. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
43. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
44. Whenever you answer the phone, do so in a French accent, and slowly change it to a Japanese accent.
45. When the boss starts talking to you, open and drink a bottle of ketchup.
46. Hold open automatic doors for people.
47. Ask to borrow a pencil, snap it in front of their face, then point at the car park and ask which one is theirs.
48. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Wilderness Survival Tips (Must Read)
Survival Tip #1
If you have water with you, drink it all immediately. There is a good chance you will be rescued before long so it is pointless being dehydrated. If you do run out of water, the trick to finding more in the wilderness is to remember that water always flows downhill. Find a hill and wait at the bottom. I read somewhere that if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine so I always take a two liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case.
Survival Tip #2
Do not eat the bright purple mushrooms. Once while lost, I found and ate some bright purple mushrooms figuring such a friendly color could not possibly be dangerous. A short time later, a beetle and I discussed the differences between the director's cut of Bladerunner and the cinematic release. Always remember that bark is an excellent source of nutrition and can be prepared simply by marinating overnight and cooking for twenty minutes in a preheated oven at 240 degrees.
Things that should not be eaten:
- Bright purple mushrooms
- Rocks
- Wasps
Survival Tip #3
Building yourself a shelter is an integral part of survival. A small bungalow or cottage will be sufficient unless you have a lot of furniture. Always remember that when tiling a roof, it is important to use a rope and harness to avoid falling. If you do fall, land horizontally with your arms and legs stretched out to maximize surface area. Always check with your local council on required permits prior to building.
Protect yourself from hungry animals by fortifying your shelter. A wall of no less than two meters with a lockable gate should be sufficient. Always build your wall out of non combustible materials as wild animals will often attempt to gain access by using fire. Befriend large animals such as bears to protect you from smaller ones. A bear can easily be mollified by running towards it yelling.
Materials that are not suitable for building shelter with:
- Water
- Angry words
- Live ants
Survival Tip #4
Building a fire without the use of matches or a lighter is a simple matter. Most forest fires are caused by lightning strikes so run a steel cable from the top of a tall tree to a pile of sticks and then be patient. Construct your fire under a group of trees and stack large piles of leaves around the edge to serve as wind breaks. Wolves are attracted to firelight but have a highly developed sense of smell and detest the odor of petrol so be sure to douse the surrounding area and yourself well.
If you do not have petrol with you and wolves enter your campsite, curling up into a small ball and making a high pitched sound like a wounded bird will confuse and deter them. If you are being attacked by a wolf, do not accidentally grab a snake to fight it off with. If you have emergency flares, taping several dozen to your legs and setting them off at the same time will allow you to hover above the wolves for several seconds, safe from their snapping jaws.
Survival Tip #5
Having the appropriate clothing and medical equipment in preparation for any weather condition or emergency situation is the key to survival. If you are camping in a cool climate such as the Antarctic, make sure you take a scarf. Watching the movie Castaway will give you an idea of what items would be useful should you find yourself lost for several years and comes down to personal preference. If I was Tom Hanks, I would have taken several hundred cartons of cigarettes and a suitcase of pornography.
I read somewhere about a guy who, while camping, cut his leg and as he was sleeping, a spider laid eggs in the wound. I would rather amputate my leg than have baby spiders hatching in it so a surgical grade bone saw is an essential component in any backpack. It is always better to preempt these things so any limbs that receive cuts, scratches or bites should be removed immediately.
Survival Tip #6
Find some means of alerting rescuers to your whereabouts. If you are lost in a desert, writing a large SOS in the sand with your water is an effective means of drawing attention. If you are lost in a jungle, a simple two way radio can be constructed from kits available at any Tandy or Radio-Shack store. Waving your arms at passing rescue planes expends precious energy so it is better to dig a small hole, lay in it, cover yourself with leaves to keep warm and relax while you wait for them to find you.
Use the time you are waiting to be rescued wisely. Sort your DVD collection into alphabetical order or fix that broken tap that you have been meaning to for months but did get around to because it would mean driving to the hardware store and buying a new rubber washer. Scrap-booking is apparently a fun and satisfying hobby.
Having someone to talk to will help the time pass much more quickly. The last time I was lost and feeling lonely, I constructed company to talk to from mud. I called her Anne and after realizing we had a lot in common, we fell in love. Sadly, she disappeared a few nights later during a rainstorm and though I searched desperately for her throughout the wilderness for many weeks, I eventually gave up hope and sought recluse from the outside world inside a dam where I lived for eight years with my pain and a family of angry beavers.
Survival Tip #7
If you become bored while waiting to be rescued and decide to walk, it is helpful to have a map. As you have no way of knowing where you may become lost, a map of everywhere is required. Simply marking everywhere on the map you are not will pinpoint where you are. A simple compass can be constructed by rubbing a small round pebble up and down polyester slacks to generate static magneticity then floating the pebble in a small pool of water. The pebble will sometimes face north.
Keeping a collection of pebbles in your pocket is also handy for when you come to a stream as you can use them as stepping stones. In case of deeper rivers, it is wise to carry a collection of larger rocks in your backpack at all times. If the river is still too deep, constructing a canoe can easily be accomplished by pouring a mixture of liquid polymer and setting agents into a precast mold.
What The Facebook? [PICS - Funny]
Facebook Divorce
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Cookies by Douglas Adams
This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.
I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.
I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.
Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.
It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.
You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?
In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.
Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.
We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.
Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.
The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.
(Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams)
New Power Source! Cows.. on… Treadmills? Umm?
Animal rights activists should have a field day with this one.
At one farm in Northern Ireland, cows are giving up green grass in favor of green power. In order to decrease his reliance on fossil fuels for electricity, farmer William Taylor created the Livestock Power Mill, a treadmill that generates power as cows walk on it. It may seem like a kooky idea, but Taylor could really be onto something: According to his calculations, if the world’s 1.3 billion cattle used treadmills for eight hours a day, they could produce six percent of the world’s power.
Cows are locked into a pen on top of a non-powered, inclined belt. To avoid sliding down the incline, the cow needs to walk, which turns the belt. As the belt turns, it spins a gearbox, which powers a generator. A feed box hooked to the front of the device keeps cows occupied and happy. One cow can produce about two kilowatts of electricity, enough energy to power four milking machines.
It may seem cruel to make cows sweat it out on a treadmill, but the routine is actually quite similar to the animals’ normal behavior. Cows walk about eight hours a day while grazing. Doing that walking on a treadmill provides the same amount of exercise with the added bonus of renewable power production.
For now, the Livestock Power Mill is just a prototype on Taylor’s farm. But if the idea catches on, we could see farms all over the world employing the useful device. Taylor estimates that a small farm could earn back a 50-cow system’s $100,000 price tag in a mere three years.
Contributed by Sarah Parsons
Man Sues Neighbor, Claims Wi-Fi Made Him Sick!
Arthur Firstenberg, who says he is hypersensitive to certain frequencies of electromagnetic radiation, saw the house at the end of a narrow lane as a refuge from physical and neurological symptoms that have plagued him for three decades.
"It's been difficult because of my electromagnetic sensitivities," he said. "I had a lot of difficulty finding a house that I could be comfortable in."
So in September 2008, he bought the home on Barela Street, a few blocks from the newly redeveloped downtown rail yard here.
But last October, when a friend of his rented a house on the next block that backed up to Firstenberg's property, the familiar waves of nausea, vertigo, body aches, dizziness, heart arrhythmia and insomnia returned -- all, he says, because she was using an iPhone, a laptop computer, a wireless router and dimmer switches.
Firstenberg, 59, wanted Raphaela Monribot to limit her use of the devices. "I asked her to work with me," he said. "Basically, she refused."
So he sued Monribot in state district court, seeking $530,000 in damages and an injunction to force her to turn off the electronics.
"Being the target of this lawsuit has affected me very adversely," Monribot said Friday in response to e-mailed questions. "I feel as if my life and liberty are under attack for no valid reason, and it has forced me to have to defend my very basic human rights."
Firstenberg's claim has occasioned plenty of only-in-Santa-Fe eye-rolling. This is, after all, a town as known for its abundance of New Age healers, anti-nuclear activists and wealthy, turquoise-wearing expatriates as it is for spectacular sunsets and centuries-old adobe architecture.
"It makes me miss living in Santa Fe more than I have in a long time," one former resident wrote on a local newspaper blog. "When my brother sent me this link I wanted to cry from laughing so hard. I wonder if Blu-Ray players send him into convulsions? Would Bluetooth give him nosebleeds?"
Not everyone was laughing.
Nearly 400 people signed an online petition that Firstenberg helped organize against plans to add Wi-Fi antennas around town. The City Council postponed the project last month.
Dr. Erica Elliott, who treated Firstenberg and testified at a hearing on a preliminary injunction, said she signed the wireless petition because she's convinced electromagnetic hypersensitivity is a real disorder that may affect the nervous system.
Mainstream scientists object to the notion that microwaves and radio waves emitted by consumer electronics could cause the reported health problems.
Bob Park, a University of Maryland physics professor who has published a book on the subject, says that although such radiation can heat tissue, it lacks the energy to knock loose electrons and alter human DNA or otherwise cause the reported symptoms.
"It's totally implausible," Park said. The varied complaints, he said, are likely psychological in origin.
District Judge Sarah Singleton is expected to rule soon on a defense motion to dismiss the case, as well as the preliminary injunction sought by Firstenberg. She already dismissed a claim involving Monribot's iPhone because federal law prevents state courts from taking up cellphone issues.
On Friday, Monribot declined to step outside her home -- barely 30 feet from Firstenberg's house -- but agreed in a phone call to answer questions via e-mail.
She keeps in touch, she said, with relatives in the U.S., Asia, Europe and the Middle East. "Because my family members live in different time zones, I have always made myself available to them at all hours," she said. "We communicate often through Skype, Gmail chat, video and audio sessions."
Firstenberg knew this when he mentioned to her that the Casados Street house was for rent, but after Monribot moved in, he and a friend insisted that she turn off her Wi-Fi router and other equipment. She tried to comply, but felt harassed.
"I decided to bring it all to an end, stop trying to accommodate a neighbor and attempted to start concentrating on my own life again," she wrote.
Firstenberg said he was staying with friends and occasionally sleeping in his car. He finds the attention surrounding the lawsuit embarrassing, he said.
"I'm not after publicity," he said. "I just want to live. I want my home."
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